Growing Pains
They say “Nobody ever talks about the part in between, you know the part where you’re no longer a caterpillar and not yet a butterfly. You don’t know who you are and you don’t know where you’re going. All you know is that every fiber of your being is calling for transformation…This is not the death of you. This is the dying of who you once were. This is your rebirth, darling. And these are called, growing pains.”
That’s where I find myself now, in a space where its just me and all I have to deal with is me. I didn’t realize why it was so much easier to pour everything I had into people and give them all the love I had to give until now. It was easier because I was filling a void, a void that would force me to confront myself and to figure myself out. I had a million distractions around me and in my conversations with God I knew I wanted and needed something different because the way I was going about my daily routine no longer served me as I began to really grow. It was in my conversations with God that I asked him to reveal things that were not for me and to give me the strength to handle it when it was shown to me. && I’m 27 this is a conversation that I’ve had many of times, but all the other times I did not have the courage to do anything about it. There was always a friend in need, or a man I was chasing desperately yelling “pick me! pick me!”, there was family drama, dreams I’ve always had but never knew what direction to turn, resulting in me starting and never finishing. There was always something going on that made me take 10 steps backwards until I came to the verge of having a mental breakdown. I knew I couldn’t go on living this way and 2 months ago I decided to take a break from the world, I decided to cut out social media and people altogether. I knew I needed to get in a space where it was just me and the only person that could really help me without judgment, My God. July I focused on my triggers, my insecurities, I prayed, I cried, I meditated, I journaled, etc. For the first time in such a long time I felt free and I was enjoying every moment of it. By the end of my month long Hiatus something was different and something in me had shifted. It was like I saw myself and my vision and my dreams were so much clearer than they had ever been before. I was more in tune with my feelings, my energy, and God, that things that I didn’t mind or looked over I could no longer over look and in fact I did actually mind, I just didn’t have the balls to SPEAK UP.
Fast forward to today, I am no longer in a relationship that I thought would last forever. Ending my relationship with my Ex was something that I had avoided for some time now because I loved him very deeply and I didn’t want to lose him but I made a promise to God that no matter what he revealed to me I would be strong and I would do whatever needed to be done. God revealed to me that my Ex could not love me in the way I needed him to love me and I could not love my Ex the way he needed me to love him so it was time to let go. It was a hard pill to swallow but I knew in my heart it was time. We were together for 3 years, but attached for 13 years. It still pains me to this day that we had to go our separate ways and some days it hurts like hell, but I know I will be okay and everything will turn out exactly how it’s supposed to be. I also had to realize that everyone I labeled friend was just not a friend and that hurt me to the core because I’m a natural born lover and I give everything that I can to relationships, only to not get the same in return. It really hurt me, but it also made me grow thicker skin, I now realize whoever is meant to be in my life will be and I’m longer choosing people who don’t choose me or only choose me when it’s convenient for them. Those days are over and I could never regret the love I’ve given out over the years, I’m just now giving that love to people who deserve my love. Last but certainly not least I relocated to VA from MD... Wow, I just got chills saying that because it still seems so unreal like I literally moved everything I had and came to another State without a second thought lol. So yeah here I am now in VA and I am currently looking for a job, its been interesting to say the least and I’m trying to figure out why nobody is trying to hire me! like seriously ! lol But its cool and I’m going to keep applying to jobs and I’m going to keep praying because I know my God got me and I know he will continue to sustain me as he has always done.
Talk about growing pains right, these past few months have been ALOT for me but I know it’s all necessary for the amazing woman I am becoming and I’m so ready and I know I can handle anything that stands in my way because for the first time I am ready. I made a promise to myself that I will stop at nothing until I’m so confident in me that no one would be able to tell me any different, I promised myself that I will have the life that I desire and nothing or anyone will get in my way. I now know that the sky is my only limit. Everything that I’ve ever been through was simply preparing me for this moment, for my total transformation that included putting only me first no one and nothing else. And just as a caterpillar goes through their shedding until they reach their final stage in becoming a butterfly, this was simply my shedding and it’s pushing me closer to my final transformation, molding me for my future. To all my loves who may be going through a situation that may seem like its bigger than you I want to encourage you to keep going and keep praying and talking to God he’s your secret weapon in overcoming all things. You may think your situation is bigger than you, but remember God is bigger than your situation and I’m speaking from personal experience you’ll come out on top better than ever, stay encouraged my loves.
“It’s all connected. Your gift’s, your circumstances, your purpose, your imperfections, your journey, your destiny. It’s molding you. Embrace it. - Unknown”
Originally Published: September 11, 2020
Y U D I N E
